Sunday, December 15, 2013

All that Negative will Never Equal a Positive in Your Life

*for anyone reading my words while depressed, suicidal, feeling unloved & unworthy or just plain mad at the world - know YOU can change everything. LIFE WILL GET BETTER! It did for me. Even though I have been beat down, damn miserable and counted out. Take life's beatings as powerful teachings you never wanted, but needed for reasons unknown at this moment. File the negativity away as a lesson learned and move on down the road. Something better is right around the bend. Tomorrow you can change EVERYTHING. One moment, action and decision at a time.

When something negative happens in your life - do you sit back feeling sorry for yourself, asking "WHY ME?"!!?

Yep, I use to do that as well. Never did me a bit of good. Swearing like a drunken sailor, lashing out verbally at those surrounding me. Everyone got "on my nerves". To show my disgust I began throwing glassware against walls. ALWAYS fouling the atmosphere with bad energy. Blaming everyone and everything I could think of for my terrible run of bad luck. Never owning a bit of it. 
Too punk in 1984 baby!

Decades of life lived dipped in anxiety - mixed with a steady flow of anger. Repeating "Why Me ?!?" to friends who became weary of my constant complaining. Whipping myself into a frenzy of disgust at any perceived slight from teachers or co workers. Nothing good ever happened to me. And when it did I would toss it without notice to the sidelines of life, loudly and obnoxiously pronouncing: "Well - that was cool, BUT something bad will happen to take this happiness away!!!"

Yikes, I hate myself just writing those things - taking my own inventory. Imagine how my friends, husbands or family felt after dealing with all that garbage coming from me.....

Building blocks of mental sludge piled up on top of each other. All at once my negative thinking and actions came to a truly nasty, red and crusty - pus filed head that needed popping.

From the outside my scene looked pretty good to those around me. Winters were spent as a pro team snowboarder. Competing all over the west coast, Colorado and Utah. During Tahoe summers, I either traveled for the fun of it or worked part time as a cocktail server. I  ran through a fair number of casual boyfriends - then nabbing the funny, yet introverted goth guy who had my back no matter what nonsense I served up. Friends with beers and a guaranteed good time were all around. Yet all I could acknowledge was the little fires life lights around us all (THE BAD IN LIFE). I could never see the abundant blue cool water (THE GOOD IN LIFE). 

At 21, I became completely undone. Depression kept me home from things I once loved. Everyone around me I found fault with. Nothing was good enough. Months I spent in front of the television. Counting the hours, then minutes before I had to get up, put my make up on and go to work. Upon the end of my work day I would jet home, parking myself right back in front on the t.v. All the good things and friend in my life began to fall away, either from my actions OR my lack of actions. Misery does NOT love company. Sure, a few friends tried to help. Then after their best attempts at rendering aid they went away. Who can blame them? I did not want to be around me, why would anyone else.....goth boyfriend who became my husband also went away. Burned out from my drinking, violence and my refusal to get help.

I latched on to a few other guys who offered little more than being full time drinking companions. Booze bloated me up. Hangovers became the normal. Morals flew out the window. Dreams became nightmares. Self hate seethed out of my pores like a noxious mist, infecting all who encountered me. Trying to whack myself I swallowed a few hundred pills - couldn't even do that right. Woke up in Charter Mental Hospital two days later. Refused their help by informing them I had no health insurance. The charge nurse bundled me up, sending me home with my burned out adoptive parents.

Once home, I had this epiphany: My negativity, in all its forms, was creating the constant drama and bad karma. No one else is to take the blame. My choices are to blame.

My next steps came quickly. Gone were the negative boyfriends. Booze came off the daily shopping list. Visitors were no longer welcome in my home. Buckling down, I quit my liquor serving job. Got back to being a body piercer for the man I learned from. I read every self help book the library had. No matter the title. Each and every book had at least one valuable bit of wisdom I could apply. Free time went into consumption or production of "good". Taking my dogs for a swim. Going for a walk. Writing down my negative thoughts - then burning them. Renting Bruce Lee movies. Boiling it down - I put my negative thoughts and actions into the trash - filing the empty hole with positive forward thought and actions.
Fetchy Con Carne
1 of the many Lucky 7 pugs

Besides the personal mental and physical surgery I was performing on myself, I took notice of how others treated me. Deciding I would no longer accept garbage fed to me from humanity either. Unreasonable people were dealt with kindly and firmly - then dispatched. I am no longer willing to accept bad morals, ethics or values in others. Boy has that weeded out a LOT of drama. Fair yet firm in all my dealings. I refuse to give any more than that. Its is not worth my well being.

Now - I have a life that is worth keeping. Bringing me happiness where before there was none.

Daily, I send a humble little prayer of thanks for all the good in my life. No matter what the world throws at me. Regardless of how other humans have behaved towards or around me. Even if a bird has pooped on my freshly washed truck or someone I care for has passed away from a disease - gratitude for the good in my life must be given. Positive feedback to the "manufacturer of humanity" is the first thought of the new day.  Appreciation for milk that has not expired. Plenty of firewood for the winter. My dogs being healthy and happy. A client bringing me a cup of coffee - all is deserving of my gratitude! With that gratitude comes more of attraction don't ya know...It is "The Secret" to a meaningful, wonderful life.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I Wish "Pa" from t.v.'s "Little House On The Prairie" was my Daddy!

Being a young girl who experienced adolescence during
Yep, that's me. 2nd grade
I loved that dress!
the 1970's - I was fed a steady television diet of "ideal families". "The Walton's", "Family" and "The Brady Bunch"-  made my own family seem sadly sub par. My adoptive clan could never measure up to those television families who were idolized and viewed as templates of a perfect clan by all of America. Each show seemed so perfect and wholesome, good and pure.

For my younger self,  the creme de la creme of family television was "Little House on the Prairie."

Except for having to cry about some tragedy every single episode - Laura Ingalls had everything I myself wanted out of life at age 8. She had a really nice, pretty mom. Her older sister Mary looked out for her on the school yard (until Mary went blind). Cute boys aplenty came and went weekly at the schoolhouse/church.  Those young men never tried to pull Laura behind a tree to show his wiener off! This boy and Laura just got to run around wild with each other all day (after chores were completed). That's some fine childhood living! Yet the best was really Laura's daddy, Charles "PA" Ingalls. 

Laura's daddy (whom she called "Pa") was a fine specimen of daddy goodness. Always tan, smooth shaven yet still rugged - nice build for his average height. Hair worn just a bit too long, possibly permed into chocolate waves. A gentle , yet still manly tone to his words, whether praising or scolding his girls. Even when disciplining his children Pa never raised his voice. Verbal admonishing for bad behavior always contained an uplifting lesson at the end. Life lessons that hurt Laura's buck toothed heart so bad seemed to hurt less because of Pa's seemingly natural gift of nurturing his offspring.

Yeah, I had Father Envy pretty own male parent was not shall we say "gifted" when it came to
Hunky "Pa" Ingalls
MY second grade dream dad!
rearing a daughter.

Adoptive Dad was not the kind of guy who participated in hobbies with his daughter. I believe his point of view was this: as long as he supported me financially - that was love. Leave the raising of females to the "woman folk". My older brother was taken fishing, hunting, to ball games, boy scouts. All the typical activities for young males. Dirt bike riding was a weekly activity for them. Sadly I was never allowed to be a included their fun. Many youngsters on my block had mini bikes. Buzzing around the neighborhood having a ton of fun. Boy I wanted a mini bike! Time after annoying time I begged, pleaded and threw many a crying snot filled fit. Begging annoyingly for my father to teach me to ride or failing that, to be allowed to go on a ride as his passenger.

Dad couldn't be bothered. I suppose for him it was just too dangerous. Or perhaps against his morals of what was acceptable for girls. Whatever his reasons - a mini bike never found its way under the Christmas tree. 

 Laura's dad got her a HORSE for Christmas - not a pony, a full size black mare named Bunny.

Lucky bitch.....

Lesson to Fathers: Give your daughters some attention please. Play tea party or hide and seek - whatever. Or we may end up on a stripper pole with a loser boyfriend. *See my other blog entries for THAT story